Get Yer Freak On
by fictionalcandie
Summary: Draco starts an argument. Harry runs away from him. There is much silliness. [Oneshot.]


**Disclaimer:** If JKR ever finds this story, I fully expect her to hire professional hitmen to come get rid of me.

**Author's Note:** I was sitting here, working on Delicate Psyche, and it occurred to me that I would rather be writing something silly. So, I sidelined myself for a bit, and this came out.

Be warned that this fic is crazy like cold coffee (and will probably have about the same effect on your mental process). And the title has relatively nothing to do with the fic.

Please don't forget to review!

**o.o.o.o**

"You know what, Pothead?" shrieked Draco. "My family's better than Weasel's!"

Harry glared at him. "So, _what_?"

"So, you should marry me, instead!" He smirked. "Besides, we've got more money for sex toys."

"He'd never marry you!" shrieked Ron. "We've already got a love nest!"

Draco looked positively crushed. "... You... You have a _love nest_?"

Harry edged away from both of them, heading for the door. (He thought he might have seen Pansy and Hermione running away together past it.)

"Yes!" Ron folded his arms smugly. "We call it the Potted-Wease. It's lovely and homey."

"And very close to my graveyard, too," declared the Sirius ghost that had suddenly appeared in Harry's place. "Which is equally lovely and homey."

"But the Potted-Wease is much cozier!" Ron shot ghost!Sirius a sulky glare.

Draco shot him the same glare, having borrowed it from Ron for the purpose. "Hey, aren't you not supposed to be here? Don't you have scores of badly chosen partners of various sexes and species to be humping?"

"I've no idea what you mean," retorted Sirius, sniffing most haughtily. "Just because _I_ happen to be a _sex god_ -- and a very studly one, if ghost!Professor Dumbledore says so himself, which he does -- doesn't mean there's anything _wrong_ with being an extremely well-endowed philanderer."

"Yes, _well_," stuttered Ron, and Draco quickly came to his defense ('cause you know that he could never let non-competition beat _his_ competition). "_Well_, at least _we_ have _Quidditch brooms_."

"Oooh." Ghost!Sirius's eyes got wide and he drifted a little closer to the pair, who were suddenly standing next to each other for some allegedly inexplicable reason. "Well, you know, I could _confiscate_ them."

Ghost!eyebrows waggled suggestively. "_If_ you know what I mean."

Ghost!Sirius winked.

Draco and Ron both took a moment -- it was the same moment but they apparently didn't mind sharing -- to figure out the ulterior meaning in Sirius's words. They both figured it out at the same time.

"EW!" they shrieked in unison, leaping off the ground and into each other's arms. "Get him away from me!"

They realized they were clinging to each other in mid air -- rather impressive, really, since neither of them was using magic -- and decided that they rather liked it and wouldn't it be lovely to elope to Bora Bora? And with magic, thought might as well be deed, so you know it didn't take long before they were gone. (But they missed Bora Bora and ended up in Bogota, which doesn't have much in common with Bora Bora, but it was probably close enough for their purposes.)

Ghost!Sirius cackled and disappeared. The next instant he was hovering in front of a scantily clad Harry, who was surrounded by lots of scantily clad underage booty. Several of the girls (and Krum) shrieked in alarm, but ghost!Cedric smiled and waved happily.

"Well?" demanded Harry, wrapping a hand simultaneously around both Ginny's and Luna's scantily clad underage booties. "How did it go?"

"The plan has succeeded!" ghost!Sirius declared joyously. "It happened _just_ as you said it would, O Great One Who Kills With Cookies!"

Harry smiled. "Prodigious." He reached out his free hand -- the one not groping two underage booties at once -- to pat ghost!Sirius on the back, but ghost!Cedric rushed over before he could.

"Oh, _darling_," cooed ghost!Cedric in his most breathy ghost voice, "I _knew_ you could do it."

Ghost!Sirius puffed out his ghost chest proudly.

"Let's go back to the graveyard and..." ghost!Cedric ran a ghost finger down ghost!Sirius's ghost chest. He leered attractively and purred, "... _redecorate_."

(Which everyone knows is not really a double-entendre, but it was ghost-sexy ghost!Cedric saying it so it wasn't like anyone really cared.)

Ghost!Sirius looked _very_ happy indeed, and both ghosts disappeared.

Harry smirked and looked around his room of scantily clad underage booty.

He really had a _lot_ of scantily clad underage booty.

"_Excellent_."


End file.
